Anniversary

My tomorrow, your today already and it’s the anniversary of the day we promised in front of friends and family that we’d love each other til death us do part.

Luckily death wasn’t the reason for parting. I used to fear that. Your persistent belief that the short lives of males in your family would mean you too.

Not death, no. You cheated over almost a year. Moved her into our bed every time I was away overseas working. Unforgivable though I’ve tried. Just can’t.

Our anniversary. All these years later, I still remember as if yesterday almost every detail of the joy and love filled day we made our promises. Family and friends gathered to celebrate with us. Such a lovely day.

Despite what happened, I regret none of our many many years together and can look back with pleasure at almost all of it. We were lucky. And then it changed and I will never really understand why.

You broke my heart.

As each year since we split, we exchanged emails on our anniversary date sharing the sadness of this day. Biggest mistake of your life you’ve said in the past. Too late. Way too late. Your actions were just too unforgivable. Yet I’ll love you always and feel sad on this anniversary date. Always.

My life has moved on in so many ways. A new country, new life, new love. It’s a full and happy life. I’d never have imagined.

1st October is a day to remember how life was. Anniversary day.

Look there’s a rainbow

…. That’s what I wanted to say as I walked towards my office this morning, because there it was dramatically over Balham and no-one seemed to be noticing it.

Heads down, sleepy and reluctant or just plain determined looks on their faces people were scurrying along the pavements mostly on the way to work I imagine. No one looking across the street at the amazing rainbow there.
Not wanting to be the strange lady bothering commuters on their way to work, I said nothing.

But they missed out.

Something very extraordinary and almost magical about a rainbow even though people have tried a number of times to explain the science of them. None of those explanations seem to come close.

A wonderful sight to start to a working day.

Sorry for myself

“Sitting back broken in spirit was just not an option”
Just read a very moving blog
http://ubecute.com/2014/09/10/the-story-of-a-girl-who-never-looked-back/
This line caught my eye.
A jolt.
The realisation that I really have been letting myself feel very sorry for myself of late and have been sliding down just a little too often and too far.

Time to dig deep once more and stop what has become a bit of a slide.

So many great and positive things going on when I take stock of my life – relationships, health, work – I’m lucky, truly blessed by the people and opportunities in my life and yet there is still a profound sense of melancholy. A familiar feeling.

Just four and a half months since mum died and it’s so raw still sometimes. A candle lit for her in a church in Sicily on my recent holiday and tears fell. The welcome and moving comfort of a stranger’s hand on my shoulder.

So that loss, that grief sits there, emerging strongly in moments and it adds to the melancholia that has been with me as long as I can remember, indulged sometimes, kept at bay and from spilling over most of the time.
I feel joy, contentment, love, happiness, achievement, relatedness, peace … All these so often and so deeply….And yet somewhere as a quiet backdrop lies the melancholia. An old friend now in many ways, oh so familiar, a smile of recognition almost when it pushes it’s way through the good things of my life to remind me that it’s still there.

So I stood last night at the door of my English pub bedroom for the night, here to spend an early birthday celebration with my youngest sister and my Dad, soaking in the sights and smells and sounds of an unseasonally warm September evening in Surrey and saw this:

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Luxuriating in the lush greenness and the warmth of the fading sun, feeling content and then a sudden being enveloped by sadness, melancholy. So there we stood, my melancholy and me for a while in the doorway, co-existing until time came for it to be tucked away before an evening celebrating a birthday of my much loved sister. Tucked away. Til the next time.

So reading Ubecute.com’s blog just now about a woman who’s faced massive life challenges, things I’ve never had to face, a humbling story, I’m reminded of how life is for me. I’m reminded of how while acknowledging and sitting with my old friend melancholy at times is right, giving space and time, exploring it’s twists and turns is all needed but letting it move right in and take centre stage as I feel it might like to, “just isn’t an option” for me.

Sicily in the September Sunshine

Here we gather, 22 friends coming from countries around the globe to top up our friendships with time together shared in the sunshine of Sicily. We’ve known each other in combinations of 30 to 20 years and have experienced the ups and downs of our lives over that time – births, marriages, deaths, divorces, new partners, no partners, wrinkles…
We squabble now and then, it’s almost a requirement for a holiday, but mostly we laugh and eat and tell tall tales and laugh some more. And explore this beautiful place.

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