Sorry for myself

“Sitting back broken in spirit was just not an option”
Just read a very moving blog
http://ubecute.com/2014/09/10/the-story-of-a-girl-who-never-looked-back/
This line caught my eye.
A jolt.
The realisation that I really have been letting myself feel very sorry for myself of late and have been sliding down just a little too often and too far.

Time to dig deep once more and stop what has become a bit of a slide.

So many great and positive things going on when I take stock of my life – relationships, health, work – I’m lucky, truly blessed by the people and opportunities in my life and yet there is still a profound sense of melancholy. A familiar feeling.

Just four and a half months since mum died and it’s so raw still sometimes. A candle lit for her in a church in Sicily on my recent holiday and tears fell. The welcome and moving comfort of a stranger’s hand on my shoulder.

So that loss, that grief sits there, emerging strongly in moments and it adds to the melancholia that has been with me as long as I can remember, indulged sometimes, kept at bay and from spilling over most of the time.
I feel joy, contentment, love, happiness, achievement, relatedness, peace … All these so often and so deeply….And yet somewhere as a quiet backdrop lies the melancholia. An old friend now in many ways, oh so familiar, a smile of recognition almost when it pushes it’s way through the good things of my life to remind me that it’s still there.

So I stood last night at the door of my English pub bedroom for the night, here to spend an early birthday celebration with my youngest sister and my Dad, soaking in the sights and smells and sounds of an unseasonally warm September evening in Surrey and saw this:

IMG_3355.JPG

Luxuriating in the lush greenness and the warmth of the fading sun, feeling content and then a sudden being enveloped by sadness, melancholy. So there we stood, my melancholy and me for a while in the doorway, co-existing until time came for it to be tucked away before an evening celebrating a birthday of my much loved sister. Tucked away. Til the next time.

So reading Ubecute.com’s blog just now about a woman who’s faced massive life challenges, things I’ve never had to face, a humbling story, I’m reminded of how life is for me. I’m reminded of how while acknowledging and sitting with my old friend melancholy at times is right, giving space and time, exploring it’s twists and turns is all needed but letting it move right in and take centre stage as I feel it might like to, “just isn’t an option” for me.

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14 thoughts on “Sorry for myself”

  1. I think we all have those moments when we feel that life or rather matters surrounding our life are sliding away at a different pace than ourselves…..but as we recognise that we tend to bounce back but it often takes time. No magic switch. That is I think applicable to the majority. There are those for whom the slide is much worse and we all seem unable to help.

  2. Such a lovely, honest post. I appreciate the vulnerability of your writing, because you expose feelings and thoughts most of us have experienced and take away some of our loneliness. Thank you.

  3. Such a courageous post — I am close to losing my mother, and I have already lost my dad — the companionship of melancholy visits me on a frequent basis as well. Thank you for sharing with us!

  4. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. I know that “quiet backdrop” all too well. It’s comforting to know I am not the only one. But glad, of course, that you are choosing your options as you are! 🙂

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