Three days til I am off and limping towards the finishing line. Very tired. Full on interim job I accepted as wanted to support our CEO, such an inspiration. And it’s made a huge positive difference for her. That pleases me. Feels though like I’m having to dig deep in energy sources to do it now. End Feb and holding to that. An end in sight. And then it’s time to just be a bit. 40 years working very full time jobs and it’s time just to stop living that way, squeezing life between work commitments. Remembering the 22 years with a disabled husband, my first husband and the toll that took as well as the way that ended. Can’t underestimate that. I’m running out of steam.
So round about me the sights and sounds and tastes and talk of Christmas. Should be family time and feeling keenly how fractured ours is like so many. So very different from the images of smiling faces of families round a Christmas tree. Distance, indifference and even dislike circles around the four siblings at its worst. Separate lives at its best with flashes of contact, caring and love experienced between some sometimes. Looking with pleasure at Johns quietly supportive, loving, would do anything for anyone family – and wishing mine was so but it isn’t and not going to be that any time soon. It’s so wearing. Endless awkward communications. The very frequent No or just silence as a response. Very very tired of it.
So here I am a few days before Christmas. The sounds of a loving sleeping husband beside me, lucky to have him in my life – a sweet generous loving supportive man. And some time soon with a precious father making his Christmas time a good one feeling loved and cared about. Messages from Australian friends excited about catching up with me in April. Uncomplicated unconditional love. All these are good to focus on… so I will. Have to accept that I can’t fix all that sibling dysfunction so just have to find a way to not let it hurt so much.